Lea Our Angel

Non-Profit Foundation in Honor of sisters death

2007-09-10T17:33:00.000-07:00

Raising Money for sister non-profit foudation

I found this website in which I can start raising funds for a foundation in honor of my sister.

Coping with Death

2007-09-07T10:13:00.000-07:00

Coping with death: the basics - Relationships - need2know

Coping with the death of my sister has taken me threw stages. But my stages seem to revolve in the same vicious cycle. Pain, numbness and guilt.

One then the other, it starts over again. I've begone to get use to it like it's a part of my life. Although things don't seem to be looking up, I know they are. My sister was special and loved and the loss of her should not easily be forgotten. So written in these blogs and finding out information does help me.

Hope it help some one else.

ABC 13 - Murdered Sisters Remembered

2007-09-05T09:42:00.000-07:00

ABC 13 - Murdered Sisters Remembered

The turmoil all around the world, is so very unbelievable. With the link above is a news article of a father killing his three girls over the weekend of August 29th, 2007. This so much reminds me of my sister, who was killed by someone she loved and was too young to go.

Still full of life and taken. I'm sure those girls where going to grow up and blossom into wonderful, productive and loving flowers. But I'm believing in that plan, that this is all for a reason. Cause I have a sister that is gone. And she never got to blossom to her full potential and I wanted to see her get to that point so bad.

In the remembrance of the three young girls who lost there lives, you are loved and will never be forgotten!

Can only imagine the Pain

2007-09-05T01:32:00.001-07:00

I can only imagine the many who have went or who are going what I am now. It seems so unbearable. I personally would like to say that I am here for anyone who needs some one with that understanding.

Losing a loved one like I did gets me to thinking about so many things. And I look for guidance from a lot of places to keep me grounded. My sister memories, my mother, my daughter, my boyfriend, my prayer book and it all helps me to keep sane.

A passage from; Breath Prayers for African Americans

Thank you Lea

2007-09-02T18:10:00.000-07:00

I know things aren't in the best of situations, but Lea was so good to me. I realize that although she is gone I find myself saying thank you to her a lot. She has in so many ways affected my life. With her generosity, her caring nature and the many words and memories she has left behind.

Damn, she was special. And a person who would want to take that from this earth had to be out there mind. But I surely wish I had known or really saw that craziness. There was nothing I wouldn't do for my sister. Especially when it came to her life!

Thank you Lea for being you!

2007-09-01T00:53:00.000-07:00

I swear there are so many twists and turn in my sisters death. I think I will never rest about the situation. It's funny how life is and you find out the fuck up disturbing shit after your only sister is taken away from you.

It was not 30 minutes before my sister had called my mom about the situation that had been occurring, that my mom had sat me down by the computer to show me about the missing lady on the Carole Sund/Carrington Memorial Reward Foundation Website.

Well see the thing about this is that the man who killed my sister had a baby mother that went missing 7 yrs ago. With out a trace. He reported her missing 4 days after her disappearance. And when the police came asking this ex-con for answers, his family some how got the whole investigation shut down. Now you tell me how that happens?

So this women Latoya Thomas just goes missing, without a trace and that's it. Then her boyfriend goes and gets with my sister. And the two women look very similar. 7 yrs later he kills my sister now, you draw your own conclusions, I have minds. To much of a coincidence if I say so myself. But you couldn't tell his family that.
.
This is something straight out a movie flix. Crazy!

Spunky she was!

2007-08-31T14:40:00.000-07:00

My thoughts, memories and happiness lyes with Lea. I see her face every where I go. The remembrance of her is haunting me. It's like I can't enjoy myself. I'm continuously thinking of what she might be doing if she were here. What she would be calling to tell me on this day. The gossip, the new scope, what she bought, what event is coming up, when she was going in to get her hair done, etc. Damn, she was a life, a charismatic one! Nothing can replace her spunk for life and how she enjoyed it.

I wish I was holding on to the spunk, that enjoyment that she had. But I seem to be fading into the background of what has become.

At the grave with family members, remembering her birth day!

2007-08-26T16:55:00.001-07:00

It was an experience yesterday. The tears didn't really flow for me, just still in shock that she is gone. Lea loved her birthday so much, celebrating another year of growth and beauty. It's hard to even think she is 6 ft under and we were sitting right on top of her! Now all I can think about is how to make her burial plot the best, ever!
August 25, 2007

2007-08-25T14:24:00.001-07:00

Getting ready to go to my sisters grave site! To celebrate Lea's birthday. Depressing!!!

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Chilling website message from murdered sisters: 'If you died, then I'd die' | the Daily Mail

2007-08-24T10:06:00.000-07:00

Chilling website message from murdered sisters: 'If you died, then I'd die' | the Daily Mail

Two sisters where found dead in there home June 15, 2007. 3 days before my sisters death. The suspect is the mother.

These girls seem to be very close. Seem to have went threw a lot in there young lives. Something that I am familiar with when it comes to me and my sister. We were close, even though years apart. We went through so much in our lives, you would think it would have been over so that we could see each other be truly happy. But I know she is in a happier place.

Catch 22

2007-08-24T00:50:00.000-07:00

I wonder if things were the other way around. If I had got killed how would she be able to deal. Lea was very emotional. Not like we all aren't. But we all had a place in are small family. Mom is mom our teacher. Lea was our fashionista, designer, remember of all dates big or small and emotional spirit. I am the tech no guru, informations giver, and give it to you like it is.

I couldn't her imagine her going threw this. Her fragile self. Lea was to much of a girlie, girl. Not to say I'm handling it well, especially if it was the same circumstances. But at the same time I'm glad she doesn't have to go threw this, but unhappy that she had to go threw that. I guess it's a catch 22!

Until I see you again-Poem

2007-08-23T19:13:00.000-07:00

Days and nights,
I cry,
wishing you were still alive,
hearing your sweet voice again,
would be the ultimate,
the pain I have inside,
will never be disguised,
for your life,
was worth more,
to me,
and you brought,
joy to me,
now to know your gone,
its hard to move on,
and when we meet again,
I can only wait until then,

I love you Lea!

In my place

2007-08-22T18:40:00.000-07:00

Remember

2007-08-20T18:57:00.000-07:00

Remember, shit I want to forget this every happen. When will this nightmare end? I hate the fact of her being gone and I have to relive it everyday! I'm sick of crying, I'm sick of the silent depression, I'm sick of knowing this isn't a dream and she is not coming back.

I don't want to forget her, just want to be with her, around her, hearing her heels click up the stairs, her smart and sassy remarks, rouge lips with a kool-aid smile, and her greedy appetite.

Hear My Cry, Lord.

This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him and saved him out of all his troubles. PSALM 34:6

Tears can fall during joyous occasion such
as a wedding or the birth of a child, as well as
when painful things-like stubbing your toe or
having a tooth extracted-occur. Then again,
tears can be prompted by sadness such as
==going through a divorce or losing a loved one.
Shedding tears is nothing to be ashamed of.
In fact, crying is evidence that you are human
and that you have feelings. The important thing
is having someone close by who understands your tears.
Christ Jesus cried at the report of the death
of Lazarus. His tears may have been an expression
of sadness at the death of His friend, or they
could have represented His joy in knowing
Lazarus would soon be brought back to life.
He may also have cried over the unbelief or lack of
faith that was evident in those around Him.
So, go ahead and cry. Cry when you are
happy. Let the tears fall when you are sad.
God has promised to be with you through
everything you face.

taken from the book Breath Prayers for African Americans

Was her fate decided?

2007-08-19T16:55:00.000-07:00

Was her fate decided?

In some ways I'm sure it was! I figure this because of the way she lived her life. She almost lived it like it was going to be short, if I think back on things. The stories she has told me, the things she has done. See my sister has already almost died and been brought from the light of the pearly gate you might say. When she was 21 she had almost met her maker, when our brother Joey intervened and gave her CPR. She was having an aneurysm. Luckily it got caught in time. But she had brain surgery and her life seem to go pretty fast after that. I because the older sister and she becoming the younger sister in a since. But for a reason, she only had 16 more years to live.

She cared, gave and did as much as 2 and 3 people. So to me in some odd way this was meant to be. People remember her because of her tender nature, outgoing spirit and giving soul. And the truth to that it that most people are never remember and not especially in such a special light in such a short time.

Is there such a thing as "fate"? (The Drawbridge)

This World Is Frenchy!

2007-08-18T22:54:00.000-07:00

I have seen so much in my life and pretty much figured I'd seen the worst I was going to see in my life time. Drugs, disease, death, violence, homelessness. Basically an array of everything I thought. My mom had even said to me recently "damn baby I'm sorry you haven't lived a very happy life, have you?" It was kinda hard for me to even hear her say that, but when I think of all the shit I have been threw, have seen and now my sister's death. Shit, I guess I can pretty much understand that comment. Not that I would want to be portrayed that way.

It comes down to knowing that this world is Frenchy! Like the Sims say! That is almost the best way I can describe it now. I have no father, grandmother, sister, and the list goes on.

But that being said my sister's death has been the biggest hit of them all cause of all the things I have seen and been threw, I just knew this kinda shit like this would happen!

Murder, cold blooded, damn near with witnesses, murder. They was out on a man hunt for his ass. This was more like tv, America's most wanted type, shit. But I did forget the fuck was white! And not to sound racist but don't we all have some kind of bases that we judge from.

CollegeNET Forum - What makes a serial killer?

Thought your gone my Love for you still goes on!

2007-08-17T10:46:00.000-07:00

Even,
If a day,
should go by,
when I don't say,
"I love you.."

May never a,
moment go by,
without you,
knowing I do!
---Daniel Haughian

Amazon.com: I Promise You My Love: Books: Susan Polis Schutz

I feel ashamed, what can I do!

2007-08-16T13:59:00.000-07:00

There are plenty of mother's out there! Some just are that, mothers. Some go a little further, some are involved in actives, some just don't give a damn, and some are lost.But my sister was great, stupendous, spectacular in all area's! She loved her son more then life itself and was very involved in his life. She wanted him to have the best, not in clothing, but in school, life, friends, the world around him and with what she had she tried to give it to him!

But with what is going on now I know she would not be pleased. So much bullshit has happen since my sisters death, I know she is turning in her grave. Her son is not in a good place and as a sister, I can't do a damn thing. And I feel ashamed cause with all of the things I know we could have made sure something was in place before this murderous event occurred. I mean shit I didn't want my sister to die but we could have been prepared and I'm sure my sister knows that and is pointing her finger at me.

So now her son is from house to house with his father whom never gave a damn before, when my sister was alive. Now since she is dead he wants to play father only because he knows since my sister was killed by her boyfriend and she didn't file the divorce before her death. Her so called husband wants to claim a wrongful death suit.

Who the fuck is he, they weren't together. He had just got off of a restraining order that had been put on him from her. He hadn't been taking care of his son they have together. So now her son is suffering cause nothing was put in place before her death. The father has just took the son and because he house hoops we can find him.

My sister is having a fit, so am I and my mother. We are trying to do what we can and hopefully the Lord will guide the light cause Lea can't be resting in a painful situation like this. A person who is only out for greed can not succeed!

She's Dead but she was ---The Best of the Best

2007-08-15T13:38:00.000-07:00

My sister was very giving, to the point of obsession, I think! But that is what made her such a wonderful human being, everyone got a taste of what she had to offer in this life! She has been giving to me since my birth, since she is 11 yrs my senior. And for a while it was enjoyable until it became overwhelming.

I am totally the opposite of Lea, while she likes to shop, buy presents and remember peoples birthday's. I like to be in the house, figuring things out on the internet and learning how to do new things! But that made us the perfect sister pair. She did what I couldn't do well and visa versa.

But Lea also loved to receive and it was so hard for me because when I thought of gifts, I thought of unique things, but it seems that Lea almost had everything so it was really hard to give her anything. To the point where I just gave up trying. Now that she is gone I regret not trying hard enough... Cause I have all the mementos that she have gave me over the years or at least the ones I've kept.

She loved to give me sister books, and poetry books because I write and love poetry.

Those who bring
sunshine to the lives
of others cannot keep
it from themselves.
----James M. Barrie
A Little Book; Hugs for Sisters

Amazon.com: hugs for sisters: Books

Im responsible for her death

2007-08-14T18:13:00.000-07:00

Me and my sister were real close. Closer then I really knew or were paying attention too. Over the years we grew closer then our 11 yr separation. She told me things I don’t think I handled to well.

And in Those ways, I blame myself for her death. In confidence she confessed to me, what her murdered had confessed to her. Instead of telling somebody who could really do something about it, I just gave my opinion and kept my mouth closed just like she asked. I know that is what a good friend does, but not what a wise friend or caring sister should have.

I should have told my mother, I normally find a way to tell her everything anyway. I’m sure my sister knew that. Probably why she told me, thinking I would some how get it to my mom. Why the fuck didn't I say any thing? Would it have prevented her death? I'm not sure of anything and want get any answers now. But I sure feel like I failed this test!

Damn This Fucked Up Piece of Shit World!

2007-08-13T21:33:00.000-07:00

I'm sick to my stomach with disgust! Of our world today, women are dying from the violence behind men! Ruining lives after lives after lives! And it seemed so distant, but I have touch this so untouchable vile of disgrace. And it has pledged my family with an odor that is besieging our every step. The one death feels not like one but like undertaken of many. And the hearts it has broken, I'm sure the valleys hear the silent cries and growling mourns of this loss.

To those who have loss a loved one hold on to those still alive, there children, grandchildren, those whom loved them and lost them too! There nothing like losing, but there is nothing like, Love!

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

Family Broken So Now Dreams Haunt Me

2007-08-12T20:37:00.000-07:00

I mean were a small, close family and this man decided to go and kill the heart of it and think it wouldn’t change some shit. Yeah it changed a lot of shit alright, mental states of mind. My mom is getting depressed, crying all the time. And I’m just stuck in my house not knowing what to do with myself, no motivation to continue things without my sister.

But I can't just drown myself in the misery that is Lea's death. I have to move forward towards something. What that is I'm not quite sure yet.

I was afraid of dreams that might come from her death and tried to avoid them at all cost. But they have managed to catch up with me. So realistic the dreams, I wake up knowing she is alive and any minute she will be calling me.

I know in the dreams she's trying to tell me something. What is it she could be saying? She looks so happy, how I will always remember her

Helpless in a Murder Situation

2007-08-11T19:28:00.000-07:00

I feel so helpless in this situation, my nephew is gone and he acts as if he doesn’t want to come and be with us. He would rather be with his father whom he had minimal relation with, I’m not saying he was around me all the time, but he knows that around here there are no drugs, violence and there is food, love and support. I can’t say the same for his dad. Here we provide all the comfort that his mom did maybe not just like she did but close enough. I just don’t know what to do, cause I would just x the father out, since he has been so vicious in his pursuit in getting our Lil Matt, knowing damn well he is only after some money.

But it’s been a battle since the very beginning. Who battles in a death situation, we all should be grieving, but no, my sister has been played around here like some ghetto Anna Nicole. The husband she was suppose to had divorced wants all of the assets she doesn’t have, wants the son that he never could take care of before her death. Crazy bull shit if I’d ever say so myself.

And he is now trying to keep my nephew away from the only family he really knows and has known. Me, his aunt and his grandma.

Parenting, Pregnancy, Conception, Baby Names, Online Parenting Articles & More at Parenthood.com - Parenthood.com

Lea and Lil Matt
Originally uploaded by prettydamndevine

What a killer

2007-08-10T18:10:00.000-07:00

Fuck that muther fucker. He called me and told me that he killed my sister how dare he. What kind of person would do some crazy shit like that. That shit replays over and over in my head. I knew that muther fucker was fucked up but not like that. That jealous sick fuck. He just had to take away a precious gift like Lea, not Lea. And it couldn’t have just been some joke like shit, like, If you don’t come get your sister I’m going to kill her. No this bastard was serious, "Kizze’" he said! "You need to listen to what I’m saying. Your sister pushed me to muther fucking far and I blasted her brains out. I'm sorry, hope you have a good life." I couldn't believe he could be so cold hearted to even call and even tell me that shit, within minutes after he had killed her.I was in so much disbelief, I immediately called 911 on my cellphone and reported what he told me. I wasn't sure that bastard was serious, but I was going to take any changes since he decided to call me. I told the police the address and the told me the were already on the scene. My heart almost came to a stop because I knew then, it was true. I just speed my car down the highway hoping it some how would start flying over the cars and get to her house.

I had already been on the way to my sisters house trying to see what the commotion was all about. My mother had called me on the cellphone and told that Lea had said Nate (the killer) had pulled a gun out on her. So I had tried to get there as quick as I could. I grab my bat and knife, went to pick up my daughter from school and got on the freeway with the quickness. I had got to Concord from Vallejo within 10 minutes, but it had been to late.

ContraCostaTimes.com - Concord police seek homicide suspect
ContraCostaTimes.com - east bay roundup
ContraCostaTimes.com - Concord murder suspect search continues
ContraCostaTimes.com - Concord slaying suspect killed in So. Cal.
ContraCostaTimes.com - Concord slaying suspect gunned down by L.A. authorities
ContraCostaTimes.com - Shot man was suspect in old Hayward case

Internally I Cry

2007-08-09T16:57:00.000-07:00

Internally I cry every day for my sister. I miss her, and want her back so bad. It’s an overwhelming feeling to feeling, to the point where some times I wish I could just sleep forever. Damn she was a great big sister, so giving and so warm. The things she did and remembered, I wish I had half the passion she did for things.

So full of life... isn't that what we all say, but for her it was!

2007-08-05T11:00:00.000-07:00

Being that my sister her name Lea is 11 yrs old then me, so lived more life then I did. But the way she lived her life, was always a bit of something to see. She was wild and free willing to trying anything once.

Now I'm an out going person myself but home is where I find most of my comfort, so you would catch me in the house more then not. It's funny cause you would think it would be the other way around. I'm 27 she would have been 38 this year. Acted like she was my age or young in the spirit of living life. She was the one always asking me to go places with her. Seems she never missed an opportunity to have fun.

Now I have all these regrets. I'm sure she ask me a hundred times to come from under my shell and enjoy the day and night life and I rather had just sat at my desk and type away at my computer. It was so much life to live with her.

Sometimes I wonder if she lived these way because we are all given a fate, and being the her life was taken away so quickly and abruptly, that she had to live that way, had to take life, grab it and explore it.

Me, Lea and the murder
Originally uploaded by prettydamndevine

Me, Lea-the short chocolate sweetie(My Sister)and her murderer at the 2006 Erotic Exotic Ball in San Francisco

Im afraid of my sisters ghost

2007-08-03T23:14:00.000-07:00

I have been afraid of the dark for sometime. And when I went to a counselor some years ago I thought I was able to get ride of the dark issue, which had plagued me so. I couldn't leave one room without turning on the light to the other first.

But now since my sister has been in a better place it has come back. I have been finding myself running from room to room. Staring into dark hallways waiting for something to move and scare the hell out of me.

I wonder everyday if she will come and visit me. But the thing is I don't want her to. I'm to scared to even see her. I would really love to reach out and see her, but my fear of the unknown, spirits and dark is too great to be able to even tempt to dream of her. Let alone reach out and touch her.

I almost feel ashamed. But I can't I help the way I feel.

I miss my sister, why did this shit have to happen?

Hard to deal with losing my sister!

2007-08-02T23:38:00.000-07:00

Well I have to get my thoughts out some where. My mom wants me to go to counseling, which wouldn't be a new thing. But at this point I don't think a counselor could do a damn thing about how I feel. My sister was murdered by her boyfriend of 4 years in cold blood and I'm suppose to want to tell that to a counselor. Who will only give me an hour to speak and in month intervals. I am so good.

It's really been harder then I could have possibly imagined dealing with her being gone. She was the sunflower in our small-tight family. There's so much to be missed with her vanishing, joy, love and caring personality.

Since this had happen June 18, 2007. Things for me have only gotten worst. My thoughts and feelings, mixed emotions. I know I wish it was just some horrible night mare.

I constantly think how could a man who claimed to love my sister, had my sister raising his child. One day just up and kill her? There are so many questions that will never be answered since he is now dead too. And it all just plagues my thoughts continuously.

My sister was a women of unspeakable beauty and talents, why did this had to happen to her?

Me and Lea
Originally uploaded by prettydamndevine

Me and my sister when I was about 9 she was about 20